Jeez. We must've gotten some much-needed rest this weekend, because we rolled into Monday rarin' to continue civilization's hastening decline, didn't we?
Former Buc and NFL Hall of Famer Warren Sapphas agreed to a deal regarding his February dust-up with two hookers in Phoenix, pleading guilty to two misdemeanors after being charged with solicitation and assault. Never accessorize your outfit with a football-shaped purse when going out to double-team a legendary defensive lineman in his hotel room — that's just asking for trouble.
Speaking of people who got off light, the owner of that dog that was shot, tied to the railroad tracks and left for dead after being deemed too sweet to work out as a fighting dog was sentenced to four years of probation. Not. Nearly. Good. Enough.
A Hudson momwas arrested after her 2-year-old daughter was found wandering alone half-dressed beside a busy road; the mom — who's been arrested thrice in the last 14 months — was discovered passed out in her trailer. We should hook her up with the dog-beating guy and just go ahead and usher in The Future Generation America Deserves(tm).
And finally, Barack Obamajoined Twitter! Future generations of political historians will be thrilled to parse through what's sure to be countless clever insults, stupid assumptions and suggestions that the leader of the free world is a Kenyan socialist who should give himself the shocker.